|Q. My wife is five months pregnant
and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?
|A woman goes to her doctor who
verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor
asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried
about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor answered,
"Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides,
it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't you give me
some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull
it out a little..."
|Q. What's the difference between
a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
|A pregnant lady was in an accident and she woke up in the hospital. She noticed she was not pregnant anymore and asked the nurse what happened to her baby. The nurse said, "You have two healthy babies, a boy and a girl!" The lady said, "Oh, I must name them," but the nurse said, "You were unconscious, so we called your brother, and he named them!" The lady said, "But he's as dumb as a box of rocks! So what are their names?" The nurse said, "The girl is called "Denise." The woman replied, "Well that is a pretty name, so what did he name my boy?" The nurse replied, "Denephew!"|
|Q. How long is the average woman
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
|I was in my ninth month of pregnancy and feeling very uncomfortable. On top of everything, my pleas for sympathy seemed to go unnoticed by my husband. One day I told him, "I hope in your next life you get to be pregnant!" He replied, "I hope in your next life you get to be married to someone who's pregnant!"|
|Q. My childbirth instructor says
it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
|A man frantically speaks into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asks. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"|
|Q. When is the best time to get
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.
|One day four boys were playing soccer in the schoolyard. They kicked the ball up in the trees and none of the boys could get it, so they go get the teacher, who was pregnant. So she goes up the tree and one boy screams, “The teacher is going to have a boy!” Several months go by, and he teacher does have a boy. So the teacher calls the boy who shouted and asks, “How did you know I was going to have a boy?” So the boy says, “You weren't wearing any panties and I saw its mustache.”|
|Q. Is there any reason I have
to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
|There were three pregnant women sitting together. The first woman said, “I'm going to have a boy.” “How did you know that?” the other two women asked her. “Because I was on top,” she replied. The second pregnant woman said, “I'm going to have a girl.” “How did you know that?” asked the other two women. “Because I was on the bottom.” Then the third pregnant woman started to cry. What's wrong?” the two other women asked her. “She replied, “I'm going to have a puppy!”|
|Q. What does it mean when the
baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
|A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing. They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then you sat under an ad that read 'Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling.' Then you moved under a deodorant advertisement which read 'William's Stick Did the Trick.' And I just couldn't hold it in any longer when you moved a fourth time and sat under a tire advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident.'"|
|Q. Is there anything I should
avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
|Did you know that you can get
a woman pregnant from anal intercourse?
That's how lawyers are made.
|Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
|Hillary Clinton goes in for her annual gynecological exam. The doctor tells her she's pregnant. Hillary storms out of the office and calls Bill. "You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" After a moment of stunned silence, Bill says, "Who is this?"|
|Q. Where is the best place to
store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.
|A university creative writing class is asked to write essays containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery. The prize-winning essay reads: "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"|
with the requirements of 18 USC 2257.
All models and cartoon depictions are
18 years of age or older.