|Q. Is there a safe alternative
to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.
|A blonde takes her typewriter to the doctor. "Doc, I'm afraid my typewriter is pregnant." The doctor asks, "Why in the world would you think that?" She says, "Because it's started missing its period."|
|Q. What does it mean when a baby
is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
|Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest. He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house." "Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the air." "Yes," says the priest, "your legs."|
|Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
|A young girl goes to her doctor. The doctor runs some tests and tells her she is pregnant. The girl says, "I can't be! The only men I've been around are nudists from my colony, and we only practice sex with our eyes." "Well, my dear," says the doctor, "Someone in that colony must be cockeyed."|
|Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
|A woman pregnant with her first child goes to see her obstetrician. After the exam, she shyly says, "My husband wants me to ask you something. The doctor says, "I think I know what you're going to ask -- yes, sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confesses. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."|
|Q. What is the best time to wean
the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
|A woman woke up in the middle of the night and her husband was not in the bed. She heard him in the living room sobbing and weeping like mad. She asked him, ''Honey, what is wrong?'' He replied, ''Well, remember when you were 15 and I was 19, and you got pregnant, and your father said I either have to marry you or go to jail for having sex with a minor? Well, this is the day I would have gotten out of prison.''|
|Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
|A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families. "I have four boys and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team," "That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I'll have a football team." "That's nothing," says the Mormon. "I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I'll have a golf course."|
|Q. Our baby was born last week.
When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
|A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband. Her doctor told her to give him one pill a night, and that he would call to check in with her after a week. That night, the wife popped one pill in her husband's food and got a good rogering. The next night she gave him two pills. The sex was even greater than the night before. The following night she decided to give him the whole bottle. The sex was unimaginable. A week later, the doctor called to check on the patient. The couple's son answered the phone and sounded shaky. The doctor asked to speak to his mother. The son replied that his mother was in the hospital, the maid was pregnant, his butt was hurting, and his dad was standing naked in the front yard, yelling, "Here kitty, kitty...."|
|Q. How does a tree get pregnant?
A. By a woodpecker!
|The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. "Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the instructor. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"|
|Q: Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant?
A: Because Ken comes in a box.
|A mother worries that her teenage daughter is having sex and might get pregnant, so she consults several parenting websites for advice. Later that evening, as her daughter prepares for a date, the mother sits down to talk with her. "I know you are adult enough to make the right decision about your body. But I want you to please try to abstain from sex until you're married. If you must have sex, then please use protection." Feeling proud of herself for being so pro-active, the mother hands her daughter a box of condoms. The daughter laughs and hugs her mother. "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating a girl!"|
|Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an altar boy!
|Why Chocolate is Better Than
-- You can GET chocolate.
with the requirements of 18 USC 2257.
All models and cartoon depictions are
18 years of age or older.