|Q. What's the difference between
a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
A. You can unscrew a lightbulb.
|An old lady notices a little girl frolicking in the park with her dog. She asks, "What's your name, little girl?" "Blossom," answers the girl. "Oh, that's a beautiful name. How did you get it?" "Well, my mommy was pregnant and a blossom fell out of a tree and landed right on her tummy, so she named me Blossom." "Oh, that's so nice. What's your dog's name?" "Porky." "Why Porky?" "Because he fucks pigs."|
|Q. What is grosser than gross?
A. Having sex with a pregnant woman and the fetus gives you head.
|An 80-year old man walks into the doctor's office for his regular check-up. The doctor says to him, "Ahh, Ted, how are you feeling?" "Great," says the old man. "I have an 18-year old wife, and she's pregnant with my child." The doctor gives a concerned look and says to Ted, "Ted, let me tell you a story. See, I have this hunter friend, and early one morning, he goes out hunting, but is in such a hurry that he grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, as he is hunting, he spots a beaver. He aims at the beaver with his umbrella and shoots at it. Bam! The beaver falls down dead." "What?!" cries the old man. "Why, that's impossible! Someone else must have shot the beaver." "Exactly," says the doctor.|
|Q: A smart blond, Santa and a
pregnant woman are on an elevator. A twenty-dollar bill lies on the ground.
Who picks it up?
A: The pregnant woman... the other two aren't real!'
|A farmer had just bought some pigs for breeding, but didn't quite know how to do it. He soon found out that the vet would charge him $200 a pig. That was a little rich for his blood, so he figured he might be able to do it himself. So for three weeks, he'd load up all the pigs in the truck and take 'em to an isolated location where nobody would see him doing it. After three weeks, none of the pigs were pregnant, so he decided to forget about it for a morning. That morning, his wife happened to look out the window. "Honey? What are you doing to those pigs?" "What do you mean?" asked the farmer. "One's honking the horn, and the others are rocking the back of the truck."|
|Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A: Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.
|One day, a man went into the doctor because he wanted to have a vasectomy so he wouldn't have to worry about his wife getting pregnant. The doctor decided the procedure would be safe, so he did it. Afterwards, the doctor told him skin would begin to accumulate around his genitals. The doctor said he wanted the man to collect the skin for 20 years, then make something, then bring it back to the doctor. So, after 20 years, the man finally came back. The doctor said, ''So,what did you make me?'' And the man pulled out of his pocket a little wallet and handed it to the doctor. The doctor said, ''This is all you were able to make over these whole 20 years?'' Then the man said, ''Yeah, but if you rub on it for a 'bit, it'll turn into a suitcase!''|
|Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Fuck her.
|A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down. She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, ''My car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?'' ''Well,'' drawls the farmer, ''you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke.'' The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. ''Okay,'' she says. After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, ''Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?'' They say, ''Huh?'' She says, ''The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.'' She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long. Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, ''Luke? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?'' ''Yeah,'' says Luke, ''I remember.'' ''Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?'' asks Jed. ''Nope,'' says Luke, ''I reckon not.'' ''Me neither,'' says Jed. ''Let's take these things off.''|
|Yo mama's so fat, she got pregnant and lost weight!!”|
|A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. ''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked. He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.'' Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.'' The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.'' Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'''|
|Q: What's in the air in San Francisco
that keeps women from getting pregnant?
A: Men's asses.
|Why Women Are Better Than Men
When women see a ''caution'' sign, they carefully avoid it, while men assume that it was meant for someone else, and come home with every bone broken.
*Women characterize the first date, by seeing how you act and eat. Men check to see if you can name at least one football, basketball ot basebll star.
*When a women is pregnant and craves pickle and mustard sandwhiches, the man groans and wines until they remind him that you are the one having the baby HERE! But when the man craves a six pack, she diligently goes to the store and returns five hours later with a romantic movie.
*Women can stand to be wrong, while men make excuses about ''misunderstanding'' and some how it is always the women's fault.
*When a man attends a concert, he whoops, yells, shrieks and snorts, while he gobbles down anything he can get his hands on. While women enjoy the show while dancing and socializing with friends.
*When women stay in the bathroom for over 45 seconds, men assume that something is wrong, and walk in to examine.
*Women understand about privacy,
and don't come in until 2 hours have passed.
*When in a hospital, women will share all emotions. While men, being the ''tough'' guys that they are, will ''stay calm'' until someone finally notices that he has wet the chair he is sitting in.
*Women love to help. Men feel you want commitment when you ask to do the dishes...
|Q. What two things in the air
can make a women pregnant?
A. Her feet!
|One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."|
|Yo' mama so skinny, she swallowed a marble and looked nine months pregnant!|
|Q. Why did the Pillsbury doughgirl
A. The doughboy forgot his weenie wrap
|Q. What does a blonde say when
she finds out she's pregnant?
A. Are you sure it's mine?
|Q: Did you hear about the blonde
who had two chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times.
|Q. How do you know if a redneck
has been in your house?
A. All your garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant.
with the requirements of 18 USC 2257.
All models and cartoon depictions are
18 years of age or older.